Could you be subconsciously choosing your misery?
- Rachel Bonifacio
- Sep 12
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 3
We all want happiness — or so we say. Yet many of us keep finding ourselves in painful situations, toxic relationships, unfulfilling jobs, or cycles of stress that never seem to end. If we’re honest, sometimes it feels like misery follows us around. But here’s the uncomfortable question: could you be subconsciously choosing it?
The Subconscious Agenda
Psychology has long recognized that our subconscious mind shapes our choices more than we realize. According to Freud’s early psychoanalytic theory, unresolved conflicts and repressed desires can manifest in self-defeating patterns of behavior (Freud, 1915/1957). Even modern research echoes this idea — our unconscious motives can drive actions that are at odds with our conscious goals (Bargh & Morsella, 2008).
Think of it this way: you may consciously want peace and stability, but subconsciously, you might be drawn to chaos because it fulfills a deeper psychological need.
Why We Might Choose Hardship
To Justify Our Way of Living
Sometimes people subconsciously cling to misery because it reinforces their worldview. If you grew up believing that “life is hard,” your mind might unconsciously seek out situations that confirm this belief. Psychologists call this confirmation bias — we prefer evidence that supports what we already think, even if it harms us.
To Gain Attention or Care
Humans crave connection. When attention or care is inconsistent, the subconscious may learn that suffering guarantees visibility. A child who only received affection when they were sick or struggling may grow into an adult who subconsciously seeks problems to recreate that familiar pattern.
To Assign Blame
Sometimes misery becomes a tool. Staying in hardship can serve as a way to “prove” that someone else caused our pain — a parent, partner, boss, or even society. Subconsciously, suffering becomes a form of silent protest, a way of saying, “See what you did to me?”
The Hidden Payoff
Psychologists refer to this as secondary gain — the hidden benefits a person gets from their symptoms or struggles (Miller, 1983). At first, that can sound a little harsh, as if we’re accusing someone of “faking” their pain. But that’s not what it means at all. The suffering is real. The anxiety, exhaustion, or conflict you feel isn’t imagined — it weighs on you every day.
What secondary gain points to is the quiet, often invisible payoff that comes with that suffering. For example, imagine someone who is always on the edge of burnout at work. On the surface, they’re overwhelmed and unhappy. But underneath, that exhaustion might bring them something valuable: sympathy from others, validation that they’re “important,” or even an excuse not to try something new and scary. In this way, the burnout — while miserable — also protects them from other fears.
Or take the person who always seems to find themselves in one crisis after another. Yes, it’s painful. But perhaps those crises guarantee attention and care from friends and family in a way that everyday peace doesn’t. On a subconscious level, the mind learns: If I’m in trouble, I won’t be abandoned.
When we understand secondary gain this way, it becomes less about judgment and more about compassion. The question shifts from “Why can’t I just get over this?” to “What am I really getting from holding onto this — and is there a healthier way to meet that need?”
Choosing Differently
So what can you do if you suspect you’re subconsciously choosing misery?
Bring it to light. Our subconscious only has power over us as long as it stays hidden. The moment you start shining a light on it, it begins to lose its grip. That’s why practices like journaling, therapy, or counseling can be so powerful. Writing down your thoughts without censoring yourself may surprise you — suddenly, patterns you didn’t even know were there begin to show up on the page. A therapist or counselor can act as a mirror, reflecting back what you can’t always see in yourself. Sometimes the simple act of speaking your thoughts aloud makes you realize, “Wait a second… why am I doing this?”
Ask the deeper question. When life feels heavy, it’s natural to ask, “Why is this happening to me?” But there’s a different, more empowering question: “What might I be getting out of this?” That question isn’t about blame — it’s about curiosity. For example, maybe staying in a stressful job gives you a sense of importance, or being the one who always sacrifices for others makes you feel needed. These “hidden payoffs” don’t make the struggle worth it, but they help explain why it’s so hard to let go. Once you know the trade-off, you can decide if it’s really worth the cost.
Rewire with awareness. Awareness is just the first step — then comes the practice of choosing differently. Think of it like learning to drive a car with a bad alignment. The wheel pulls you left every time, but once you know it, you can keep gently steering yourself back on course. This might mean setting boundaries where you used to say yes, or choosing rest where you used to push yourself to exhaustion. At first it feels strange, even wrong. But the more you practice, the more natural it becomes — and over time, the new path becomes your default.
None of this means you’re “to blame” for your struggles, or that pain isn’t real. Life throws things at us we never asked for, and many hardships are genuinely unfair.
But here’s the thing: sometimes, without even knowing it, we participate in keeping ourselves stuck. Not because we want misery, but because it feels familiar, or safe, or it proves something we’ve been carrying inside for a long time.
And that’s not weakness — it’s just being human.
The invitation is to pause and ask yourself: Am I unconsciously choosing this? If the answer feels like “maybe,” that’s not a reason for shame. That’s actually a doorway. It means you’ve spotted a hidden script that can finally be rewritten.
You don’t have to keep repeating the same painful story just because it’s the one you know best. With curiosity, compassion, and support, you can choose differently — and in doing so, choose freedom.
May you have the courage you need to change the course of your life.
(Note: Article is also published on my Medium page.)
References
Bargh, J. A., & Morsella, E. (2008). The unconscious mind. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(1), 73–79.
Freud, S. (1957). The Unconscious. In J. Strachey (Ed. & Trans.), The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 14, pp. 159–215). Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1915)
Miller, L. (1983). The secondary gain concept. The Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 13(2), 162–171.
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